There Is Only One Road

I know how flawed I am, I know how stupid I am, and I know how strange I am.

I call myself strange, I call myself unique, yet, I find that maybe, I may not actually be that odd.
I am not much of a teenager, I am not much of a carefree individual and I have difficulty letting myself enjoy myself.

Maybe you can enjoy yourself doing stupid things, but when I do stupid things, the only thing I have is regret. I look at people who drink their thoughts away, people who forget the world in their enjoyment and who prioritize their own joy over anything else and I laugh. I call myself a heartless jerk, but when I look at people who spend their money on alcohol, I think I can call myself a good human being.

Even though I may not truly wish for the best of other people at all times of my life, I still do my best to do what I believe any decent human being should do. I look at what I see myself as an ideal and I chase it. That is what I dream for. I understand what I should do, and I choose not to run away from reality. I might falter in my journey to be strong, but I do know where I need to end up, no matter how much I lose my motivation.

They tell me to let go, to have some fun, and the concept is not foreign to me. I do however, have different things I call fun. These include intellectual games, games that test your level wit, games that are developed over words, complex ideas and out-smarting your opponent. I have no interest in games that revolve around luck, there is nothing to be proud of when your achievements do not stem from your own abilities.

You want me to have fun? Test my ability to memorize numbers, push my ability to predict your thoughts and personality from your actions. This is what I enjoy, these are the things that keep me rolling. I cannot, no matter how I try, understand the thoughts of people who drink. What is there to gain, intelligence, strength, knowledge, personality, character? Nothing. You lose personality, character, and intelligence. You gain stupidity, irrationality and social standing with people who make similar poor choices. Hilarious that people find that a good trade-off.

But by all means, keep drinking, keep losing yourself in alcohol. Every moment you spend drinking, you give me an easier time to find a job, to use you as a stepping stone as I climb. You blame your lack of talent, your lack of intelligence and your lack of ability. I laugh at the mere thought that people blame these things when it's blatantly obvious why their really failing. They aren't failing because of their skills, their failing because of their poor decision making skills.

You may tell me that I'm not having fun, that I'm not spending my university years to their maximum potential. In your eyes, you are correct, because we all live what we call our ideal life. Or as close to it as we can get. However, just because I can see things from your perspective does not make you suddenly see things from my perspective. I don't expect people to understand what pressure I live with, what it means to be born with the ability to think rationally and to avoid as much emotion as possible.

But in my own way, I'm thoroughly enjoying university. I'm enjoying my freedom, my strengths and the things that make me, me. I just lack reasons to lose my rationality over an obviously inferior way of living. In your own way, you may tell me that I need friends, and that I need romance. To that I may agree, as I do somewhat agree that I do need those. I will however, largely disagree with the people that I would meet at my own level. Why? Because I judge people based on where I want to be, rather than where I currently am. I need to become a smarter, and stronger person. I have no interest in making more friends who don't have ambition, who don't have dreams and most importantly, can't see the potential in themselves. I have plenty of friends who are mediocre and are fine with just that. I want friends who make me want to be like them, friends I can look up to. I want a friend that I can call a role model.

In the same way, I don't want another girl. I never had any interest that which was ordinary. I want someone who I can call amazing, someone who will constantly keep me improving myself, someone who will effectively push me to my limits. A girl with similar beliefs, similar wit and most importantly, the confidence to not back down. A person who has the mental fortitude to crush those who don't have similar conviction.

As such, my favourite animal will always be a fox, because cunning is the most important skill any human can have. You don't need to have pure smarts; you need to have the smarts to outsmart your opponents. So no, don't use your standards to judge me, I don't judge you based on my standards. I won't say your way of living is wrong, just that I will never understand it based on my beliefs and morals. That is just who I am, and I believe that one day, I may find someone who understands.

Because those who are born with talent, would be wasting their lives away if they didn't use that talent to its maximum potential. Such, is the curse of those born with skill.