It's odd. I've been in the mood to write something for the past few weeks now and I just can't seem to write something that I'm satisfied with. It's not to say that the writing I've done, writing that's not uploaded and is currently in draft form, is sub-par or inaccurate. It's just not complete, with partial ideas left as ideas and not fleshed out into something a little more concrete. I just have so much I want to say, so much I need to get out of my system and so many overwhelming experiences I'm having here. So I guess I'll start with a whole bunch of random letters, experiences and a whirlwind of emotions that I've felt these past few months.
We'll start with a letter.
YC: Most people don't realize that there are so few people in this world I recognize as my elders, or as people I respect. This is due to my vast experiences and thought process that sets me apart from everyone else, or so I feel. Yet, I respect you in every way as my senpai, and when you told me to call you onee-chan I laughed inside while partially thinking that I was glad for the advice you gave me when I was having inner struggles with who I was and what I wanted to be. So thank you for being the best upperclassman I have ever had, and no matter where you end up in the future, I'll still look up to you onee-chan. ^^
I'll follow that up with a second letter.
KL: You know, I still find it strange how we've come such a long way since we first met on that day of grade nine orientation, somehow placed in the same group with no idea that we would end up where we are now. I mean seriously, if anyone told me that our friendship would lead us here I would have laughed out loud. At this stage in my life, I wonder what would have happened if we hadn't met on that day because you give my life a very necessary dose of decency. I have no worries confiding in you for anything because I know we've known each other for so long that I know you won't jump to conclusions about anything.
So here's an experience, the reason why I ended up shifting between a shattered pride, uncertainty and more than anything else, a lack of confidence.
It's no surprise to anyone that's known me for more than a few minutes to know that I have arrogant quality. A pride that refuses to back down from anything I have confidence in and the ability to back up that attitude. Yet, for the first time in my life, I started to falter, and was falling short of my goals. I told people to act with their back straight and head high to seem confident, to make eye contact without being afraid and to look through people to make them avoid you. However, when I started to lose my arrogance and my pride, because of my own lack of motivation to make my dreams happen, I fell into uncertainty and looked to hide. I resorted to my video games and anime, hiding in a world of 2D, escaping from reality. Or so I tried, but when I'm no longer working at maximum capacity I can't overcome anyone in my family, we are all related by blood for a reason. And here I am, back on track to achieve dreams with a motivation that will be in a following experience.
KLc: I don't know if you realize it, but I knew from the moment we first met that we had similar tastes in quite a few things. From anime to characters, to games and more I thought we could get along. Hanging out with you, IM and TD after exams and before my trip to Fukuoka were worthwhile and fun. I have no regrets of the time I spent then and it still feels surreal the amount of things we managed to do in such a short while. It's a pity I couldn't go to AN but I'm glad I got to know you better and spend my time before my trip doing things I enjoyed.
AL: Regardless of what I might say about your nature of gossip and your love of watching dramas and shows, you're still that friend I've had since elementary school that I know I can count on when I need someone to give me a hand. I was really filled with a lot of anxiety heading into the fall school year and I know that both HC and JW did a lot but you were the person to reach out and keep asking questions asking me how I was doing and giving me advice to keep moving forward. Even though you rarely join us for board game nights I remember why you were my go to friend to talk to when you did show up. Thanks for being there and even though I don't have to use your advice anymore, I'm grateful that you did what you did and we definitely need to meet more often than we did these past 2 semesters.
The next is a combination of two experiences; 1 of relief and 1 of finding motivation for everything.
I'm halfway across the world in Japan and truthfully, I was sent here to have a hard time, to see how tough some people live to survive and in reality I get to see first hand what some people have to deal with. Yet it was here, meeting new people, that I got my first sense of relief. It's kind of odd when I realize that I haven't failed, I still managed to succeed even after living with the idea that I had failed for a good 6 months. Even though I know everything is fine, the world still seems like a blur. And now, I'm returning to what I was before, someone who wanted to meet people, a person who was unafraid of trying new things, and more than anything else, someone who wanted to keep learning. I've seen how hard people study, and how difficult lives people lives. My roommate works from 10pm to 7am before going to school at 9am and coming back home at 3pm, goes to work from 4pm to 10pm and finally goes to sleep. He works close to 25 days a month with this kind of schedule. I met people who studied all they could but couldn't pass tests and people who had various skills but had to teach English with an obviously lacking knowledge. But, more than anything else, I've started to move forward again, to start dreaming of the future, to start looking to have fun while meeting people and more than anything else, to let loose and just enjoy the days as they go by instead of dreading the days to come. I wonder how long it has been since I thought about menial things like falling in love, going to school or even just working. I know I certainly didn't think about it in the past 6 months but I realize that it may even have been about a year now. It's strange what stress-relief does to a person.
It's already been a full month since I arrived in Japan and I've spent so much of it feeling anxious that the relief is finally letting me kick loose and just start having fun. I'm going to try meeting people again and having fun trying new things and doing random things that I enjoy. Maybe try Hitokara since I went to normal karaoke with my roommates already, try visiting my students part-time job stores to say hi like they ask me to or just being a wanderer and seeing the roads not traveled. To eat new foods, new dishes and new lifestyles that I imagined. To see the problems, their answers and the remains of an ancient history. It's definitely something, but I'm not certain as to what it is, but it's good enough for me.
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