Change - Let's Think This Through

My priorities were messed up the second I was gaining an absurd amount of happiness from external sources. I'm supposed to be mostly self-sufficient, and when I cease to do so, weird things happen. Unlike most people, I'm used to dealing with everything by myself, without having people to rely on, because I've lived like that before, not that it's fun, but that it's an option. I mean, I lived in a country halfway across the world with nothing but strangers I had just met to find out how to do things. Life isn't fun in that way.

You said it was weird that I bounced back so quickly and to you that it was concerning. And you would be right, I'm not really back up to speed, that would either mean that my emotions were very light or that I was hiding a lot, neither of which are good things. Of course, what you probably don't know is that I did stupid things in my life, and this was not nearly the worst thing I've had to deal with. Compared to considering dropping out of school, getting disowned and living life in entire solitude - from friends, and family, this was easy to deal with. Don't worry, I'm not hiding and pretending to be ok, it is painful and there is a part of me that's crying inside, but that doesn't mean I have to show it. I'll release it, day by day, and get over it. But the majority of me is rationally over it, and you don't need to worry about it. This amount of emotion is something I can deal with now.

Right now, I'm going to focus on living day by day, controlling people and getting things running. Egoist. The idea that oneself is important. I like to write the word egoist out because I like to advocate both altruistic and egoistic behaviour. Often I'll side with altruism and selfless behaviour because it's part of who I am.  This is what happened this past month, but now, I'm going back to being selfish. Self-important, survival of the fittest behaviour is returning because for now, it's what's safe and what's reliable. That doesn't mean I'm becoming an arrogant, pretentious person. Rather, it just means I'm going to be more selfish than selfless. 

It also means my focus on learning is increasing for exams, and that I'm going to be very good at doing work and learning. I may finally figure out what's going on in finance! But the Jayden you know isn't going anywhere, your concern keeps me levelheaded and focused on what matters. I'll always be there if you need me, so just let me know.