I guess I'll start with the memories of the past that came up. I can't keep letting the past dictate my life because every moment I spend regretting the past I end up losing another moment of my future in exchange. I still remember the mistakes I made and the suggestions you made then, and why I ended up missing so much class in grade 12. To be honest though, I don't regret missing those classes, that was probably one of the better decisions I made in my life.
You inadvertently brought up that issue, and you inadvertently brought up that bad memory, it happens in life, where bad memories come back to haunt us. I wasn't looking for an apology, but I was looking to explain myself, because that decision to not say anything ruined one of my most cherished friendships. To me, my ultimate goal was preserving that friendship, because to me, that's what remains at the end of the day, not the issues we encounter, not the fleeting emotions but the trust that exists between two friends.
I'm relieved, I spent two hours staring up at a ceiling listening to this song on repeat and I realized that I've made a lot of mistakes this past month and that there are lots of things that need to be repaired. I turned a blind eye on a lot of it because I focused so much on myself that I forget about the big picture, the things that really matter and what will remain a year down the line. It's time I went back to realigning my goals and matching them forward, because right now, the priorities were messed up.
I'm going back to being me, the one who does his own thing and is there when people need him. I'm not going to focus on being there for others, that's enough of that. I'm not going to have days where I'm sitting on a couch wondering what the fuck I'm doing with my life anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going into seclusion and the anti-social life. I've done that before, and this isn't the time for that. I'm going to be more clear cut though, I'm not going to attempt to be extra social anymore, it's tiring enough to maintain the level of sociability I have now, and it's been taxing on what I want to do in life.
I'm not going to make excuses so I don't have to go to things. I never was a fan of social events, but I made excuses to be polite and to not seem egoist. In reality though, why should I go to an event that's more work than fun when the purpose of the event is fun? To me, that logic never connected. If the event is fun, then I'll go, but if the goal isn't fun why is it worth my time?
I'm not going to sit at school after class to talk to people anymore, if they want to talk, or if I want to talk, we have the internet, phones and everything else. I keep tying myself down with commitments I don't want, but with people who're growing on me. For now, I need to go back to me, and to get back to what I use to define myself as a person. Right now, there are a lot of issues that need fixing, but for now, let's focus on the big picture. Right now, that's getting my head on straight and then working on everything that will follow.
More than anything else, I believe we'll all need to change how we see ourselves and our friend circle. That change will be the factor that controls both our now and our future and it's time we all really thought it through. A group is only made up of it's individuals. At the end of the day, things will work out. Why? Because I believe they will.
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