Eh.

In the end, I'm alone. Always alone, because I'm destined to be alone. It's the way it's meant to be, even crowds, I'm alone. No, it's just because in crowds I can truly feel my loneliness creep up on me. I'm lonely by nature, I'm a outlier created by skill and a loner created by choice. It's the same people that look at this empty shell of a lonely person and are nice that make it unbearable. I'm a horrible person. That's a fact that I may have avoided years ago, but now fully grasp as a part of who I am. It's not longer something I avoid.

There's nothing more painful being comforted by the people you've betrayed, people who trusted and people you forgot about. I say to live without regrets, but, that's because I've created so many regrets, so many mistakes I can never forget. I'm not as strong as I appear, but I have to be strong, because I'm not a person who can survive on the pity of others. Even so, I live on, remembering the past hoping for the future.

But I'm a liar, I hide. I say it's ok, and I move forward just the same. I cheer myself on, I cheer myself up, and I surround myself in that which cannot be. I drown myself in dreams, in possibilities that I force myself to believe, to chase after that which I really don't seek in order to keep moving forward, to hide hesitation. But in truth, I'm just lost. I have nothing to trust, because I can't rely on anything that's not myself, and no matter what I say, at the end of the day, I'm too stupid to ask people for help when I need it and I don't know how to.

In the same way, I don't have the confidence to make personal decisions. I can't for the life of me make good decisions when it involves me, but I can make remarkably amazing decisions when it doesn't. But nothing really matters; life just goes on.